


Voices In His Head

by fangurks



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Background Relationships, Boyf riends is endgame, Everyone is Queer, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Jealous Jeremy Heere, Jealous Michael Mell, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Shotgunning, Slow Burn, Truth or Dare, Underage Drinking, and a bit of jenna/christiiiine on a friend's request, because lets be real, but after reason a million other fanfics in the meantime, i mean this is lowkey, ive come to realize there will definitely be, when i started writing this i only had boyfs in mind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22226947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangurks/pseuds/fangurks
Summary: Jeremy Heere is a happy guy. He's not shy of saying this.There's no supercomputer trying to take over the school anymore, and he got a beautiful girlfriend, together with a whole bunch of new friends, without losing his old one. Life couldn't be better right now.Michael Mell is devastated. He shouldn't be, he knows this.His best friend finally seems to have found some sense of happiness and - believe it or not - enjoys going to school. And as if that weren't enough, Jeremy's new friends seem to like him just fine. So why can't he stop feeling like he lost something important?
Relationships: Christine Canigula & Jeremy Heere, Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 41





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stellathefangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellathefangirl/gifts).



> This is my first actual English fanfiction, and since that's not my first language, I may or may not totally duck up. So if anyone's willing to beta, lemme know.  
> Yeah, enjoy?

„Lunch? Just the two of us?“

That was it. He knew it. There was no taking the question back and in a moment of honesty, it might be better to just be done with it.  
But Jeremy didn't get the answer he expected. It was no answer at all, really. It was a question: „And any voices in our heads?“  
Jeremy thought of all his friends and their advice – god, to think about friends in a plural sense - and about everything he knew his SQUIP might have told him. But looking at Christine now (she's so beautiful), he felt that maybe it was okay this way. Maybe it was okay to not be sure about things, and to doubt yourself, or to listen to people's advice, as long as you stay true to yourself.

And that's what he wanted. He wanted to stay true. To be honest. So that's what he decided to be. "There might be voices in our heads", he started, "but I swear, the voices there will be the regular kind."  
That's when he managed to look into Christine's eyes. They were dark brown and full of passion and a twinkle that Jeremy couldn't describe. But the twinkle softened, and Christine took his hand, sending electricity down his spine. "Me and the voices in my head have made up our collective mind."

For a moment Jeremy thought, this is it. She will laugh at him or send him merrily on his way to hell, or- or- just a plain 'No'. But then he saw the corners of her lips tuck upward, and remembered that this girl didn't have an evil bone in her body, and how could he have expected her to react poorly, and technically she could still pat his back and refuse and tell him that he was a nice guy but they probably should take a little break from each other and-

"I think that all of us want to go out with you."

* * *

"Guys? We want to tell you something."

If one could guess by the smiles on their faces and the way they looked between the two of them, they must know what would follow. It was no surprise, Jeremy figured. After all, he thanked all of them for their advice and rambled about his first date with Christine when the time came, and the second, and the third, and, well - it was only a matter of time.

The girl in question squeezed his hand, and smiled up to him, signaling him to continue. And really, it's not the first time they were holding hands, so this was more of a formality than anything, but Jeremy wanted to do this. He needed to.

From this day forward, he could be sure that Christine was serious about this. That she wouldn't leave him for anyone, and that they were... that they were...

"We're together!"

It was Christine who squealed this. But she seemed so happy, Jeremy could only smile and nod along. Their friends gave a small round of applause, Rich and Michael even got up to clap him on the back. Some of the other people in the cafeteria threw curious looks into their direction, but Jeremy couldn't bring himself to care. He could only stand there and look at all these people surrounding him: His friends.

Brooke smiled up at him, and he felt it was genuine. There really was no malice between them anymore, and it made breathing easier.  
Jake subtly tried - and failed - to give Rich five dollars, who took them, grinning, while already making the next bet about how long it would take them to have-  
Jeremy blushed and redirected his attention to Jenna, who gave him a thumbs-up, and hushed Chloe who complained about her own relationship status.

These were his friends. His strange, supportive friends.  
And Jeremy loved them, he truly did, but there was one person whose support he needed more than anything.

"Congratulations!", Michael whisper-shouted into his ear, while the others were talking to Christine. "If this isn't progress, then I don't know what is", he continued, beaming. Both boys grinned at each other, and Jeremy realized once again how glad he was that he didn't lose his best friend. That Michael forgave him for behaving like the biggest idiot alive and stayed his best friend. His player One.

Things turned out well. No, better than that. This was perfect. This was all Jeremy wanted, and even more.  
He got friends who invited him to chill.  
His best friend still remained his best friend.  
He had the smartest and most beautiful and confident girl as his girlfriend.

He was happy.

And if anyone noticed that Michael's smile seemed a bit strained, no one thought to mention it.


	2. it's a sign-up sheet for getting called gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta-reader (love and kisses to youuu): @shippingismylife321! Huge thank you! Check out her account, she also posts boyf riends fanfic! ^~^

My phone vibrates on the nightstand. I slowly sit up, while simultaneously reaching for my glasses. Upon finding and putting them on my face, I grab my phone, unplug it from the charger and look at the screen. The ringing stops before I can accept Jeremy's call. In its place, a message appears on the screen:

> **Player 2:** _meeting up with christine at lunch, said she has a surprise 4 me, sry_

I sigh. This is the second time this week already, and it's only Thursday. Of course, I'm happy for Jeremy, but when thinking about him having a girlfriend, I didn't take into account him leaving me for lunch all alone in the cafeteria of hell. Technically, I'm not alone anymore, since Rich and the others tend to sit with us now, but it's not the same. Obviously. They aren't my best friends, after all. I sigh once more, just for good measure, before typing in a quick answer.

> **Player 1:** _dw dude, have a nice time! and dont forget 2 tell me about it!_

I finally tear off my gaze from the screen to get up and start with my usual routine. I head downstairs for breakfast before seeing Mom and Momma standing in the hallway, already dressed. I'm surprised. I stomp a little louder at the last set of stairs to make my presence known, and receive the wanted result. Both my parents look up at me, smiling. "Sup", I greet, and stand awkwardly in the hallway. "I see you're still home?" Mom nods and gives both Momma and me a kiss on the cheek, before replying: "Yup, but not for long. Had to take some extra shifts for asking Mella to cover for me last week. There's some money in the kitchen for pizza or whatever, and don't do anything stupid." Then to both of us: "Love you", before grabbing her purse and taking off. I turn to Momma, whose presence is definitely more of a surprise than Moms.  
She ruffles my hair, and I swat her hand away. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in Washington until the end of the month?"  
"I returned yesterday, but you were already asleep and I didn't want to wake my boy." I receive a pat on the head, before Momma stalks up to her room upstairs (me trudging behind) and explains how there was a new project to oversee in New Zealand, and that her company decided they would send her to the new project, sending someone less experienced to Washington. Momma's a Construction manager, which makes her really badass. But it also means she travels a lot, so I barely see her. Add Mom being an absolute workaholic to the equation, and you have a teenager who could throw parties and get drunk and have sex all day without any of my parents ever knowing better.

Well. I don't actually do these kinds of things, but playing videogames until late into the night and sometimes getting high in my basement has to count for something, right?

"I'm really sorry this is so sudden, but I promise I'll do my best to take off as many days as possible for Christmas and New Year."

I look up to Momma (or, err, well. Not exactly up since we're about the same height, but you get the gist) and return the kiss on the cheek. She is finishing packing some stuff into her small traveling suitcase, and I offer to carry it downstairs for her. She nods gratefully and there's that.

Before she leaves again, approximately ten minutes later, she slides me fifty dollars over and winking, before taking off again. "Love you, kiddo." A kiss on the cheek, one on my forehead, and I'm alone. I finish breakfast and hurry out with my school back, smirking at the **"riends"** still low-key visible. Thank god my moms never asked, or they might have gotten funny ideas.

* * *

The school bell rings just as I am about to enter. I curse softly under my breath and sprint the last meters to my classroom, praying none of the teachers will catch me running in the hallways.  
I run into class and get scolded, but it's no biggie, and I sit at my desk, ignoring Jeremy watching me with a mix of amusement and that "My eyebrow is raised because I do not approve"-look. I grin slightly to myself.

In-between lessons, Jeremy and I walk to the classes we have together, often stopping to chat with Jerry's friends. It's still weird, kinda, because literally the only connection I have with those people is them bullying us in the past, or them replacing me as best friend or them trying to take over the school and possibly world - tho I guess my best buddy was kinda involved in the last one too.  
They seem nice enough, anyway. I think they might like me too. Maybe more in a "look at Jeremy's weird pet"-way yet, but it's better than getting shoved in the hallways. And Jeremy seems to genuinely love them.

"Jerry!"

I roll my eyes. Well, alright, maybe I'm not used to all of them yet. Jeremy only chuckles. "Hi Chloe", he greets her, and she starts babbling, on and on and on, and I kinda drift off with my mind, until my brain registers a new voice calling my best friend's name.

"Hey, Christine!" They greet each other with a peck on the lips, and honestly, I feel a bit out of place. With one look at Chloe, I feel like my right to feel lost is confirmed, when she walks away. But she smiles.  
So I smile too.

Christine waves to me, and I greet her back, and suddenly we're all walking together. I see them entwining their hands, and in a moment of distraction where Christine is greeted by Mr. Reyes, I wiggle my eyebrows at Jeremy, who furiously blushes. I snorted in response.

Another peck on the lips when Christine has to leave us. I still smile. Then Jeremy turns to me. "Isn't she amazing?" I nod. "Like, I sometimes still can't believe that we're a thing." I nod again. Then I stop short, see Jeremy doesn't notice, and catch up with him again. "Dude! I just remembered! My new video game is supposed to arrive today! You want to come over after school?"

"Is it what I think it is?"

"Yep."

"No way."

I nod. "Yes way. The Zombie-Pirates: Apocalypse." It's this cool game that we've been waiting for, like, for months already! It's about a zombie virus that is quarantined on an island until a pirate ship accidentally sets it free again, and leading in the Zombie-Apocalypse. Yeah, Apocalypse is our thing.

"Michael! Why would you even ask me such a thing?" And some part of me wants to say, _because you never seem to have time for me now_ , but I push that thought away because nope, I am not that kind of guy.

"I don't know, maybe you're afraid of zombies?" I laugh and Jeremy gasps in face offense and hits my shoulder.

* * *

"Sup."

"Heyy."

"Michaa!"

I cringe at hearing Jake call my name like that. But I smile and wave anyway because these are Jeremy's friends, and I should put an effort into this whole "new clique" thing. For him. So I sat down with my tray.

I mean, obviously I need more friends, too. Actually, especially for me. After all, with Jerry being in a relationship now and whatnot, I should've realized sooner that I need new friends. They won't replace Jeremy (no one could replace Jeremy), just like he will never replace me too (again), but if I were him, I wouldn't want him to stay glued to me and guilt-trip me into prioritizing him too much, right? Right. Makes sense? Yeah; no, definitely.

"What do you think, Michael?" I look up, torn from my train of thought. "Uh...?" Brooke rolls her eyes but repeats the question anyway: "We're thinking about doing Secret Santa. We didn't do it last year because we thought it would be childish, but Christine and Jerry brought it up and-", she glances around the table, "I mean, they _are_ kind of childish, but it's cute and all, so yeah, maybe we could do that." Chloe snorted at Brooke's babbling and Rich and Jake were complaining about wasting money and Jenna looked expectantly at me and-

 _Christine and Jeremy_ brought it up? Why didn't Jeremy tell me about it before? So does that mean we're not gifting each other anything this year?

"Well, Michael?"

Now they are all looking at me. Rich is motioning at the girls behind their backs and rolling his eyes, but also giving me a thumbs-up. One look at the girls (and Jake?) and I'm relieved. Why didn't I see it immediately? They definitely want to do it. They're probably just too proud to admit to such a "childish thing".  
I smile slightly. In fact, they probably put the words into Jerry's mouth, and he asked only because they wanted him to. And besides, isn't Secret Santa a thing you do when you have multiple friends?

"Count me in."

* * *

I stand around uselessly in the hallway. School finished ten minutes ago. I'm literally the only one still standing in the hallways, multiple teachers asked me already if everything's okay. Yes, I'm okay. Fine. Totally.

**_Memories get erased, and I'll get replaced;_ **

I close my eyes, but when it doesn't help, I start pacing. Don't worry, Michael, this is different. Jeremy's still your best friend. He will turn up.

Before my heart rate can speed up, I hear footsteps coming my way and abruptly turn around. I'm so relieved I feel like I'll collapse any second (I know I'm being silly), but I don't, because there was nothing to worry about in the first place.

I see Jeremy, and then Christine, who is walking next to Jeremy, holding hands. Figures.  
I sigh in relief. If the pair's swollen lips are anything to go by, then they were just getting distracted. Jeremy didn't want to leave. I decide to take no chances, so I wave and call him by his name.

He immediately sees me and his whole face lights up. We do our bumping-greeting. Hand, elbow, foot. Christine cheers.

I strap my backpack closer to myself and start walking, while trying to ask as nonchalantly as possible: "So, uh, Christine, are you coming with us?"  
A small, selfish part in me hopes they will say no. I mean, Christine is nice and cute 'n all, and maybe she is even boss at video games (otherwise I will mock Jeremy later), so I guess it would be okay, but it's also kind of our thing.

"Well", I glimpse back to see Christine looking questioningly at her boyfriend. And Jeremy looks at me... guiltily.

It's Christine who breaks this awkward staring-silence: "Jeremy, I can just cancel the film." Huh?

I stare at Jeremy, who suddenly can't look me in the eye, but nods at Christine's questioning look. "I'm really sorry Christine, I totally forgot-"

"Oh Jeremy, it's no big deal! Really!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. Michael is your best friend, after all, and he asked you first."

I am so confused. What the hell is going on? "Um, what did I miss?" Now both of them are looking at me and smiling sheepishly. Damn, they're really cute. Together. "Remember the surprise I told you about?", Jerry asks, and I nod, "well, Christine made food for us and told me she bought two tickets for a new film releasing today."

It takes me a second. Maybe two. Or three? Then it clicks. "Oh my god, guys! Just go!", I start laughing and clap Jeremy on the shoulder. "Dude, don't worry. We can still test the game tomorrow."

Jeremy looks me in the eye, doubt lingering. As if he wants to say, _you would wait to play the game just for me?_

And I smile a little wider, and send them on their way, because yes, I would obviously do anything for Jeremy.

* * *

Around five in the morning, Mom came home and got mad about me not being in bed when she caught me playing "The Zombie-Pirates: Apocalypse" in my room.  
Dammit, I was already on level 9.


	3. i am passionate a lot/the center of attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael spends some time with Jer- wait, Christine?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is already written! As soon as I get the okay from my beta, I'll update!

It’s Saturday morning. I look at the small clock over my door and sigh. It’s almost funny, actually. For weeks, I’ve been excited for this day, and within two days, I managed to not only lose all of my excitement but actually dread today. Well, alright. Dread is too strong a word, I suppose. More like, slightly annoyed? Yeah, that’s better. It's really not that big of a deal. Only two friends wanting to go out to the bowling alley, and one of those boys' girlfriend deciding to tag along.

"Mhmpf."

I fall face-first into my pillow. Then my head slightly turns, gazing once more at the clock. Fifteen minutes left until I have to pick Jeremy and Christine up at Jerry's place. I consider screaming into my pillow.  
(I don't.)

Slowly - impossibly slowly - I gather the courage to get up. One leg over the edge of my bed. Then the other. From where I sit, I can see the mirror, and alas, there’s my scrunched up face with ruffled hair. Ugh. I'm a mess.

Deciding enough is enough, I finally stand - what an achievement - and gather my clothes before locking myself into the bathroom. I pee, change my clothes, and try my best to make myself look more or less presentable. Definitely on the "less" side of the spectrum, but who cares? I don't. Jeremy never did. And Christine will surely be busy gluing her eyes to Jeremy, so there's that.

I wince. Mom's earlier words when she had come to wake me repeatedly in my head: "You're being grumpy", she had said. Well, okay. Maybe she didn't shoot so far from the truth. To be fair, I hadn't slept very well. Or a lot, for that matter. Busy playing my new game.  
And there goes another wince. It had been hell explaining to Jeremy that I, in fact, hadn't waited for him when to start playing the new game. Luckily Chloe and Christine had appeared at that very moment, and since then, we hadn't had one-on-one time, since most of the time someone from the clique had appeared out of nowhere. Or Christine. Most of the time, it was Christine, actually. And in her presence, Jerry usually took a huge step around complaining or whatever. I frown. Is that healthy? Do all couples do that? Or is that just a thing when you start dating? I wouldn't know.

"Micah, there are other people in this house who need to use the bathroom. Mainly, me."

I snort and grab my boxershorts, before I run into my room and grab my wallet and car keys. "I'm gone!" I shout while I run down the steps and sprint out of the house. It seems my grumpiness got better, and I start feeling some sort of excitement when I start my PT cruiser, getting the hell out of our driveway.

* * *

By the time I arrive at Christine's house (I've never been in this neighborhood before, probably because all these houses look hella expensive) I see the two lovebirds already standing outside. Christine is wildly gesticulating with her arms, while Jeremy is squinting against the sun in her direction, smiling and clutching her hand. I honk.  
Both of them jump, and I roll my eyes, albeit affectionately. And not twenty seconds later, we're all together in my car, driving to the bowling alley. Christine gets out a small flash drive. It was the first sign.

Well, _sign_ is maybe a bit exaggerated. More like, it's my first clue about what kind of person she is.

"I have some really astonishing songs saved, and I've been meaning to show them to Jerry for weeks now, but something always... got in the way” she giggles at the end. I look up to Jeremy, who's blushing. Gross.  
Christine isn't fazed by my tiny grimace, and keeps going: "Since the ride takes a bit of time, we could maybe listen to some songs now already?" She looks excitedly between Jeremy and I. In the rearview mirror, I glance in Jeremy's direction. One of his favorite songs is currently playing (one time we had a huge fight about who gets to pick the songs, we decided on putting the songs in a way so our favorites would come up alternately), and until now he had spent the car ride silently tapping the rhythm of the song. I catch myself from grinning, soon he will insist on finishing listening to this song.

"Uhh. Sure? Why not, eh, right Michael?"

Admittedly, I'm a bit dumbfounded. But, the sacrifices of love, I suppose. And the dark-haired girl is staring expectantly and a tad bit giddy (who am I kidding? She's basically bouncing on her seat) at me, so there is no other option but to shrug and gesture at the player, allowing her to change the music.

And _oh boi_.

Oh boi ohboiohboiohboi. I feel insulted, really. My car feels insulted. No, let me rephrase that: Every single atom in this world that I have ever touched feels insulted. My face is unsure of what to do. Scrunch up in disgust? Raise eyebrows in amusement? Throw up?

In the middle of contemplating whether to drive the car off a bridge or not, I realize Christine is talking. She's explaining something about a mix of a roman lullaby and an electro _whatsthatword?_ Immediately I try to catch Jeremy's expression, and for a moment I am very much tempted to roll my eyes at him or something of similar fashion. But then I see him _smiling._  
It's obviously not one of his 100% real smiles (Is it obvious though? Or is that the result of 12 years of friendship?), but there is something real about it. And something pained. Yes, there is an in-between. As if the song itself is a pain in the ass to him just as much as it is to me, but the fact that it's Christine who specifically saved the song on a flash drive for _him_ makes him all lovey-dovey about it. Probably connected to his self-confidence-issues. Then again, wouldn't he tell me to "God, turn that bullshit off, you idiot" (with a pained grin, mind you), if I ever put on a song like this?

Guess I'll never know, since my taste in music definitely isn't this _horrible_.

But I can't exactly say that out loud. Not only would I probably hurt someone's feelings that way, but I would hurt _Jeremy's girlfriends'_ feelings, and therefore probably Jeremy. Ugh. Relationships are fucking complicated.

* * *

It is rather sooner than later, that I meet the second sign. A sign for what? I am not sure yet. But it's a sign.

We're standing at the counter, ready to submit our names and whatnot. When we're asked to write our names on a list to determine who goes first and last, Christine immediately takes the pen and chooses an order. I mean, normally, I wouldn't have a problem with that. Because it usually means I can just chill with Jerry, and like, tie our shoes already or whatever (though only now I'm realizing that these shoes don't have ties. Weird.), but this time is different. She puts Jeremy first on the list, me second and herself third.

I mean, sure, it probably goes to show how polite she is, for putting herself last or whatever. But I can't really concentrate on that fact since her putting Jeremy first is... inconsiderate? Right?

 _No,_ I try to reason, _it's probably one of those "I-know-him-for-12-years-and-therefore-know-him-better(-yet)"-things._

Then I shake my head. I can't chalk up everything on the fact that I know him longer. I bet even Chloe knows how much Jeremy hates to be the first, to be the center of attention.  
(But he also doesn't want to be last, or invisible. That much he made clear.)

And for a moment I think I might have overreacted, but when we reach our assigned alley, and the screen flickers to life, I feel pretty much confirmed in my suspicions. Jeremy is nervously grabbing the ball, and embarrassingly looking back over his shoulder, at us. A part of me wants to glare at Christine for making my best friend nervous. I do not. I am above that.  
(At least while Jerry isn't looking.)  
Luckily, Jeremy seems to get over his earlier embarrassment of having to be the first to throw the ball, and things get more comfortable. I'm still a bit stiff though, wondering why Jeremy would put up with someone who apparently doesn't care about his anxiety.

When we order some nachos and drinks, I order my own portion, and the other two share one. Normally - when Jerry and I go alone (which, let me assure you, isn't often; we prefer bowling video games over the real deal) - we both buy ourselves one portion each with one of us getting the cheese sauce, the other salsa, and then we steal the other one's nachos. It's not as much stealing actually, since we're both totally okay with it, and like, it makes the most sense, right? But we still like to pretend. Like we're some bad boys for stealing the other's food.  
When we ordered and Christine suggested sharing one with Jeremy, Jeremy agreed (obviously) and then asked me - was that guilt in his eyes? - if I want to share it with them too. Funnily enough, Christine and I both raised our eyebrows. He quickly blushed (heh), and tried to explain to Christine our sauce thing. She smiled (probably belittling our antics or something like that) and said we could still do that, she doesn't want many nachos anyway. Which - come on. I bet she said that to make me feel bad for wanting to share something with her, which, uh no? So I piped up: "Actually, no need. I was dying to try their HotDogs since, like, forever. So today's my chance!" Jeremy just looked strangely at me, while Christine went ahead and ordered the nachos with cheese sauce. I blinked.  
She didn't even ask Jeremy what sauce he wanted. Which is, like, rude?

And then it hit me. The signs. These were all signs. For what? That Christine is some sort of possessive, insensitive girlfriend who absolutely does not belong with someone amazing like Jeremy.

Naturally, it is my task as best friend to take care of it when Jeremy is too starstruck to see.

* * *

My chance opens up as soon as Jeremy leaves to get his cardigan out of my car. I only snort. The idiot left it there when we arrived because he felt warm in my car (dude, I have a heater in my car and you were snuggling with another human being), and even though we're actually moving while playing, he still managed to get cold. But it's okay; it's fine. Canigula stays with me, but only because she was on the toilet when Jeremy couldn't handle the cold anymore (it was also the first time today that he complained to me about anything. Yeah, it was the temperature, but still, my point stands), and if she hadn't been in the bathroom, I bet they would be making out in my car now. Ugh. Gross.

So when she returns, I explain the situation and she throws the ball when it's her turn. I do too. Jeremy still isn't here.

With a last prayer to God or Armor or Aphrodite or whoever, I fold my arms across my chest and stare into my Sprite. I sigh: "Okay, look, Ca- Christine." She's looking curiously at me, at the same time while sucking on her straw. It's infuriating.

Stay civil, Michael. Don't be that guy. Stay civil. For Jeremy's sake.

"You look stressed, Michael. Are you alright?"

I'm caught off-guard by the hint of actual worry in her voice. She's squinting into my eyes, having regarded her slushie and now folding her hands in her skirt. "Uh", I dumbly start, "it's... it's about Jeremy." If anything, she seems even more worried now. Sits straighter.

"What about him?"

I gulp. She can be very threatening when she looks at you like that, all business. But this is for my best friend. I need to do this.

I start with the first thing that comes to my mind, the one thing that makes me almost angry: "You know that Jerry doesn't like going first, right? He favors just being the middleman, not the one everyone keeps looking at for being either the first or last--"

"Right?", she exhales, and puts her hands into the air, looking for all the world as if she's just found her soulmate. I blink. Twice. "I mean", she continues, looking pretty indignant, "I'm glad that he's being more comfortable now than he was before the... incident. But it would definitely do him some good to be put into the center of attention from time to time, so he can get used to it." She exhales once more, this time longer and more, exasperatedly? "I'm trying to subtly encourage him to be more open, by letting him do stuff first, or helping him try new activities, though I think sometimes I'm not as subtle", and here she smiles at me, "but I think I'm glad you noticed. We can try together to let him loosen up a bit, don't you think?"

I stare at her. Queue: Talking. I should probably answer. "Uh, yeah, I mean, yes. Definitely." Then I remember what I was trying to say in the first place. Alright, letting him be the first player maybe wasn't the worst idea (maybe I can let him be Player One next time, too?), but the nacho point still stands. Jeremy isn't some therapy case. He's a boyfriend. Eh. As in, her boyfriend.

"Ahem, anyway. I also wanted to ask about the... nachos", I feel myself flush a bit. Am I being silly maybe? But she just keeps curiously blinking her eyelashes at me. "I mean, Jeremy loves both sauces equally, since we always eat both, but like, maybe you could've asked him anyway what sauce he wanted?" For a small moment I want to take the words back, but then she looks kind of guiltily at me, and I think, _Ha!_ I got her.  
At least that's what I think before I hear what she's saying: "Oh Michael, please don't take this the wrong way, but Jeremy really loves hot cheese sauce."  
I bet I look pretty gobsmacked. "Uh...?" She looks panicked. Why does she look panicked?!  
"It's stupid really! You know, when Jeremy and I went to watch a movie last month, was really great and nostalgic by the way, you have watched Frozen 2 already, right?-- anyway, he had told me once or twice before that he and you always switch sauces when eating nachos", why did Jeremy tell her an hour ago again then?, "so I figured, he loves both, but he admitted he fell in love with hot cheese sauce some years ago, but couldn't get himself to tell you about, since he knows how hard it is for you to decide which sauce to pick, and, please don't freak out?" She looked at me with pleading, big eyes.

Jeremy loves hot cheese sauce more than salsa. Jeremy never told me that. Because Jeremy didn't want to upset me.

"Freak out? Why would I freak out? I mean, it's not like I'm entitled to some nacho-sauce-partnership, which would be weird, but we're not, which means, I'm not freaking out--"

"Michael?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a great friend."

I blink. Damn, with the amount of dumbfoundedly blinking at people I do today I could maybe start jobbing as an owl. "Uh...?"

"I mean, you obviously care for him", she grins at me now, eyes glinting, "and want him to be with someone that cares for him at least as much as you do. I guess this is your version of a dad-talk. What I'm trying to say is: I know I can't stop you from worrying whether I'm the right person for Jeremy. But I will do my best to live up to your expectations. And be that person."

Oh gawd. She's the most supportive and sensitive and observant girlfriend I've ever met and she is fucking perfect for Jeremy. I think I'm going to cry.

"I think I'm going to cry", we both turn around at Jeremy's jokingly voice. He's standing there - with his cardigan, but he's not wearing it yet, the idiot - and grinning at both of us. I feel my cheeks warming immediately, and with a glance into Christine's direction, I see she's blushing as well. I turn back to Jeremy. Then back to Christine.

"You know what? I'm taking it back. Do your worst." And we're all bursting with laughter.

* * *

We're still laughing when we return to my car, and I feel happy enough to let Christine put her flash drive back in. She skips those horrible songs we already listened to on the way to the Bowling Alley. A few beats start playing.

"Oh my god, no way!", Jeremy and I both exclaim. I think he's wiggling his eyebrows at me, but I can't bring myself to care about him right now. "No fucking way do you listen to Marley!" Christine smiles up to me, and I smile back, and then suddenly we're all singing and laughing while everything else suddenly stops mattering.

I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.

* * *

> **Rich:** Hey dude i heard u got the zombie apocalypse game.. wanna hang?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically my "establishing that Christine is an adorable bean and not someone to be hated for "standing in the way" of boyf riends even tho this is a boyf riends fanfiction" chapter. Hope you enjoyed.


	4. my little penis was depressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boy meets Rich.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small reminder that the endgoal of this fic is still boyf riends. We're getting there, guys. We're getting there.

"Yo, thanks, Michael!"

I'm wrestled into one of those weird bro hugs by Rich. I pat him awkwardly on the back while trying to not look pained and saying, "No problem, dude. But I think you're suffocating me here." He lets me go and jumps up off the floor, into the corridor, presumably to put the gift voucher for this really popular video game store over in the next town into his jacket. He returns shortly after, sitting to my right. I glance to my left, where Jeremy is sitting with Christine in his lap.

"Okay, my turn", Chloe butts in. The SQUIP squad (who even came up with that name? And do I technically belong there, since I never got a SQUIP in the first place?) is sitting in a circle on Christine's living room floor. Or, well, Chloe and Brooke decided to sit on the couch, but it's still a circle.

Now Chloe gets up to trot over to the table, where all our presents are lying, except for Rich's and now Chloe's. The latter holds a small box wrapped in red and gold wrapper, squinting critically at (probably) the size. She takes it from hand to hand, shaking it carefully and testing the weight. Her brow is furrowed, while she tears off the paper. Upon seeing what's written on the (black?) box, her eyes widen only a fraction and her lips tug upward. I glance into Jake's direction, who is trying to look chill and as if he doesn't give a care in the world, but I see him expectantly looking up into her direction.

At first, no one knew who picked who for Secret Santa. Obviously. But by the time I finally decided what to get Rich (after having texted with him for some time, it was a bit easier - the dude is actually a sucker for video games, so that was a cool discovery), everyone else apparently figured out already who their Secret Santa is.

"These are pretty... acceptable", Chloe murmurs, and she's holding something small in her hand, and then she waves Jenna to her, who helps her put the small somethings into her ears. Even though the words may sound slightly rude, she is full-on smiling now and eying her new possession in her phone mirror, sitting down next to Brooke again.

It continues pretty much like this. Chloe got those earrings. Rich got the gift card. Jenna gets a new phone case with a cool Illuminati pop socket (not bad, Rich. Not bad), Jake got a cap signed by some sports dude he really likes (I'm proud of Jeremy for remembering the name... or asking Rich), Brooke got a self-made photo album and a DVD set from Christine (when had Christine managed to squash herself between Chloe and Brooke?), Christine got a mug from some famous musical about one of the founding fathers who apparently cheated on his wife and later on got shot (what the fuck, Chloe?) and Jeremy got a pretty alrightish video game (though there was a condom stuck on top, which made everyone laugh and both Christine and Jeremy blush. I elbowed him, and did my best to laugh along).

I am the last to open my present. It's not a box, but more like a soft plastic bag wrapped in a gift wrapper. I tear it open, carefully, and huh, that's actually pretty dope.

I'm met with the sight of a bundle of patches and pins of varying sizes and colors. I carefully take them out of the package and look at them. There is some video game-related stuff which is actually pretty accurate. I bet my secret Santa must've asked Jeremy about my favorite games.

There is also some supportive stuff, like patches and pins with "Believe in yourself", "FCK NZS" or another pride flag. I blush a bit. I mean, I know I have one of these on my favorite sweater already, which isn't like, very hidden, but still. I thought they didn't notice. And I also don't want them to come to any conclusion when I myself am not sure what to think about this yet.  
(Who am I kidding? I'm already contemplating whether to put it on my other sleeve or on another sweater.)

"Thanks, Brooke. You rock."

The blonde smiles at me, and then continues talking to Christine. I put one of the pins on my black sweater and put the others carefully to the side. The atmosphere feels more and more comfortable. Now that everyone is talking with each other, I can finally feel myself relaxing really for the first time today. Today was our last school day. And since Chloe, Jake and Christine are all heading out to see family tomorrow and only return after Christmas, we decided to meet up after school at Christine's place, since her parents are out for the night.

I lay back a bit, and then I feel someone nudging me from the side. "Don't you want to show me these awesome patches?", I grin lazily up to Jeremy, who's staring at me, expectantly. I roll my eyes and grab the bag from behind me, before throwing them into his arms. He's looking carefully through them. Am I only imagining it, or is he holding the rainbow flag a second longer than the others? I mean, he never asked me about the pride patch on my sleeve. Honestly, I wouldn't have known what to say anyway. At first, I only got it as a show of support for my parents. But recently? I might have started to suspect some things about me as well.

Slightly shaking my head, I focus my attention on Jerry again. "So when will we try out your new game?" He packs my present into the bag again, before turning to me with a raised eyebrow. "I don't know, maybe I will secretly play it alone at home." I wince. He's not really mad, so much I know, but he's still slightly annoyed with me. I raise my hands in a surrendering gesture. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I promise", he smiles and I smile too and I think it's actually okay now. Pretty sure it won't happen again. Especially when he's looking so stupidly at me, and sticking his tongue out. "It better not, or I'll get my revenge." I shove him lightly and full-on laugh now: "Like what?"

Even though he's way thinner and less muscular than me (and I am not a very strong person to begin with, so that has to count for something), he has the element of surprise when he's suddenly tackling me. We fall to the side, and with dread, I realize he's got his hands on my stomach and is tickling me.

"Gowd, Jeremy, stop! Stop! Nononono--"

And suddenly everyone is tickling everyone.

(It's pure chaos.)

* * *

It's around ten when the others leave. It's already discussed: Since Christine doesn't want to misuse her parents' trust, no alcohol is allowed, so the others leave in the evening to go to some sort of Christmas party of a college kid they know. That's really not my thing though, so I declined their offer to join from the very first moment, and Jeremy will stay the night at Christine's.

I gulp. They're two teenagers in a relationship alone in a giant house for the whole night. For god's sake, Jeremy even got a condom as a gift. It's fine. Totally. They have, like, hormones and stuff. And a relationship. So it's natural and even very possible that things might get... heated? I feel a groan bubbling up in my chest. I should be happy for Jeremy. No, I _am_ happy for Jeremy. Tomorrow I will definitely call him and ask him about all the details.

(Well, not _all_ of them. But like, in the normal bro way.)

Before I can manage to spiral any further down this very weird path, I realize a hand waving in front of my face. A very feminine hand. I jump. Christine and Jeremy are both giggling at my expense, but I can't help but smile.

"So you're still staying for a bit, right, Michael?" It's Christine who asks, but it seems to me like Jeremy has something akin to... hope? In his eyes?  
Mom is working a night-shift again, Momma is still on the business trip, and I'd probably get bored at home, so I just give them a thumbs-up.   
Christine starts setting up the DVD player ("We should watch a Christmas movie. Right? Right. What about the Grinch? Oh! I have A Christmas Carol! They're both so classic! You're okay with a classic, right, Michael? I mean, I know you like retro stuff, but I guess there is a difference between classic and retro, but I barely know - or well, knew - anyone who doesn't like classics. But it would be totally okay if you didn't, of course!"

Somehow half my communication with Christine consists of blinking and nodding so far. Like now, for example.

"Great!"

I look around the living room to see why she didn't ask for Jeremy's input when I realize the room is lacking one lanky dude with a cardigan. Before I can voice my concerns, the boy in question comes tumbling down the stairs (thank god not literally) with his backpack in tow. He takes my hand and pulls me unto the couch, making me blush (it's warm in here, okay?!), before grabbing Christine and planting her on the other side of the couch. He sits in the middle and gets to be our footstool. For the next two hours we just sit there, blanket draped over us, snacks at the ready, and attention mostly on the film (at one point we had a small popcorn and crisps fight, but we know the movie by heart anyway (it turned out to be A Christmas Carol), so it was no biggie).

The end credits roll. Jeremy jumps off the couch and tells us to stay right where we are, and he turns around to retrieve his discarded backpack. I raise my eyebrow. He just grabs into it and gets out two boxes, thrusting one each into Christine's and my direction. My eyebrow is still raised.

"Uh, I know we did the Secret Santa thing already, but since you guys are kind of-" **_You know that you are my favorite person._ ** "-more important to me than the others," he splutters, "Not that the others aren't important to me! But, you're my girlfriend and best friend, so I, uh", Christine and I both smile encouragingly at him, "wanted to give you guys something special. Uh. Yeah." Before I can say anything, Christine jumps up and runs upstairs. Jerry and I only manage to exchange confused glances, when that energy bundle comes running back again, a small bundle in each hand. When she gives me one of them, I am low-key overtaxed. "Uhh...?"

She just lets it fall into my lap.

I still stare at both of them. "What?", is all I can manage. Now they're both staring at me too. There's a lot of staring. Why are we staring? Come on, Michael, stop staring, and form words: "Thank you, guys. But, eh, why?" I look from one face to the other. It's not that I'm not super excited, but the confusion is bigger.

Jeremy is playing with his sleeve, but at the same time, he's grinning: "There's this thing where you give each other stuff on Christmas, you know? Like, every year?"

I just continue to gawk at them in puzzlement, before I catch myself. "Yeah, right, ehh. God, this is embarrassing. But like, my stuff for you is at home. Y'know, since I thought I'd see you still?" He cringes. "You're cringing, Jeremy. Why are you cringing, Jeremy?!" He keeps cringing. Even while he says: "My dad got a call yesterday that grandpa fell down the stairs-" "What?" "Oh, Jeremy!" (And if I feel some sort of relief that Christine apparently didn't know either, I am firmly keeping that knowledge shut and hidden) "Don't worry! He's alright! He fell really lucky, so he just hurt his arm! I mean, not lucky but- anyway, he's doing alright. Thing is, dad wants us to drive there now, and spend Christmas Eve with him."

I stop short. "But he lives, like, next town?"

Jeremy shakes his head. "The other one. We're leaving tomorrow."

* * *

Christmas sucks.

Fine, Christmas Eve was rather nice (Mom didn't even try to help out in the kitchen this time, so nothing was burnt and there was only a minimum amount of cursing involved) and this morning was dope. My parents got me this cool retro Mini fridge I've wanted for months now, stocked with Mountain Dew Red (after The Incident at the play I may or may not have been slightly obsessed with always having some available - which my parents apparently find hilarious) since its production restarted last month. Thank god.

I also had to promise both Jeremy and Christine to not open their presents until it was time. Turns out: Christine knit a self-made Christmas sweater which actually looks pretty adorable. I pull it over my head and take a quick selfie, sending it to both of my friends. Immediately I receive an abundance of random letters and smileys from the latter, as well as a selfie with a very similar sweater from Jeremy. Adorable.

Jeremy's present is a medium-sized box, poorly wrapped up in blue and red paper and a scrawny "Michael" (or maybe Michoel?) written on top. I can't stop myself from smiling.

The smile turns into a giant grin once I open it up. "Holy shit." I grab my phone.

"Merry Chri-"

"Holy shit holy shit holy shit, how did you even get these?!", I ~~scream~~ say very chill and nonchalantly.

"Eh..."

_"Wireless Pacman headphones?! Dude?!"_

"Dude?"

"Dude!"

He then proceeds to tell me how he bought these on amazon some months ago when there was an auction, and it was "a pain in the ass to hide them since a certain someone knows no personal boundaries."

I laugh it off, and start unpacking them, while simultaneously continuing blabbering: "Seriously. These look great. My present is, like, nothing compared to this."

"I'm sure I'll love it no matter what... Well, no, I take that back. Boundaries. They exist. We gotta get that into your head", he's still laughing while saying this, so it's okay. We're okay.

We kept talking for quite some time. He tells me how his dad tried to help with the food and got scolded by his grandpa. I tell him about the Mini fridge (leaving the part with the Red, because he doesn't need to be reminded). We make plans for when he returns in two days. He also tells me how he has a hard time falling asleep on the couch in a foreign house. I try my best to comfort him.  
And before long, we need to hang up. We've talked for over two hours, and our parents get annoyed. Or well, mine do. His dad is still getting used to "wearing the trousers" literally. Something warm spreads in my chest.

"Hey, Jeremy? Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Michael."

And then it starts sucking.

* * *

"Fucking hell, where did I put my purse?!"

I stand in my parents' doorway, arms crossed over my chest. I shake my head, trot over to the nightstand and hold something into the air. "Here." Momma snatches the purse out of my hand, giving me a quick peck on the cheek, and continues roaming through the room. I can hear Mom in the kitchen, calling my cousin's family, and explaining the situation.

"Darlene! Thank god, I've been calling for ages! ... Yes, yes, you too. ... No, we're fine, just... Eva has to leave for work. They called in an hour ago, some big crisis is happening. ... Yes, they can do that. ... We know it su- _we know_ , believe me. ... Of course, Michael and I will still be joining you. Just, later. ... I don't know _when_ , it's not like I planned this! ... Sorry. You're right. I'll call you after I drive her to the airport, alright? ... Yes. Yes. See you."

Sighing dramatically? Check.

Only now do I notice that Momma is rambling to me: "I'm so sorry, kiddo. I know this isn't ideal, but I promise I'll make it up to you, alright? We can do something fun. Like-" I wave her off and smile, showing that it's no big deal.

An hour later, and both my parents are out. I'm alone for a few hours. I can deal with that. Video games it is.

* * *

Six hours later, and Momma calls me. Her car broke down, she's okay but in some motel near the airport now. Aunt Darlene is informed. We'll visit tomorrow.  
And I am alone on Christmas.

It's almost funny, really. My first thought is: I can call Jeremy. I bet his dad wouldn't be against me hanging out at their place.  
Then I realize he's out of town. I groan.

It's not like this is the first time I'm home alone. Frequent occurrence, actually. But, c'mon, it's Christmas! It's fucking depressing, that's what it is.

Succumbing to my fate, I scurry down into the basement and slump into my beanbag. Then I realize how unbelievably stupid that is because I forgot to turn on the console. So that's what I do. Basically, I spend the next six hours playing video games. My stomach makes weird noises, and I make a quick call to order some Asian food. I eat, I shower, I play some more games, I masturbate, I have a quick call with Jeremy before he has to go for the day and I play some more again until my head hurts.

This is absolute bullshit. Me thinking this is absolute bullshit makes it even shittier. Because this situation should be okay. This is normal. Today being Christmas shouldn't change anything.

But it does.

It's a day for love and whatever, and what am I doing? Lying in bed, staring blankly at the wall.

**Forget how long it's been.**

Part of me desperately wants to reach out for my phone and text Jeremy. But he said he won't have a phone connection until later tonight, so that's pretty much useless. I could probably call one of my other friends now, but god - my eyes feel hot - are they really my friends? They wouldn't care. They don't care. And they have no business in my shit. Besides, what am I even supposed to say? 'I miss my best friend and feel unbearably lonely and it scares me because it feels so familiar?' A dry laugh escapes my throat. I bet Chloe wouldn't even listen, Jenna would tell everyone, Rich and Jake would laugh at me for acting like a girl and Brooke and Christine would just pity me or whatever.

Get a grip on yourself, Mell. Don't be unfair. They are probably great friends. They seem to actually care for Jeremy, at least. He was content enough with them for months, he didn't need me. He probably doesn't need me now either.

**I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody'd even notice at all.**

No, stop. That was the SQUIP. Jeremy didn't intend to hurt me. He was only listening to what the SQUIP told him. The SQUIP is the actual asshole here. I can be mad at the SQUIP. Jeremy didn't act on his own.

**Get out of my way... loser.**

My chest hurts. A sob escapes my lips. Fuck. Stop, Michael. I'm better than this. There is nothing to worry about in the first place. Why the fuck am I like this? Why am I still crying? Jeremy is still my friend. Jeremy is still my friend. Jeremy is still my friend. I keep repeating it like a mantra.

It doesn't help.

**Or wish I offed mys-**

There's a faint sound somewhere to my left. It takes me a second before I realize that was a phone notification for an incoming text message. What? I grab my phone and open my messenger. Jeremy shouldn't be home for a few hours still-

 **Poor:** merry christmas dude

I find myself blinking at the screen for a few seconds. Maybe even minutes. Why is Rich texting me? Well, he's wishing me a Merry Christmas, that much I can recognize. But why? Over these past weeks, we've only texted a handful of times (then again, it was enough to make me change his contact name already) and it was very random. Before I can answer anything, a new message appears in our chat.

 **Poor:** wanna share some nudes as christmas presents?? ;)

I groan. For a moment there, I really thought that he was actually trying to be genuine. Whatever. I put my phone back on the nightstand. (And if I'm secretly thanking Rich for distracting me for at least a few moments, no one has to be the wiser.) Something smells. Then I realize that something is me, so I quickly take a shower. Upon returning I see a new message on my screen.

 **Poor:** uhh sry that wasnt srs. i guess i just wanted something to distract me or whatev, didnt want to annoy you

 **Player 1:** Youre not annoying me dude. What's wrong?

There follows a moment in which I'm not sure whether to regret having answered or not since his message was pretty stupid. But he also seemed somehow... off? In the end, I am glad I answered. It turns out Rich is pretty down since his father is drinking like a madman today, his mom has locked herself in their room and his brother is on a party and probably won't return until late into the morning, and all in all, Rich's Christmas is a shitton worse than mine.  
I tell him about being alone right now anyway. And somehow we end up texting for hours, comforting each other and being silly to lighten up the other's mood. At one point I offer him to come over (what the fuck?) but he declines since he doesn't want to leave his Mum alone with her husband. I understand.

Christmas is still bullshit. It's still lonely.

But at least not as much as before.

* * *

This feels more and more like a common occurrence, but: New Year's Eve is bullshit. What a surprise, right? And once again it has to do with Jeremiah Heere. (Maybe that should be something to think about. Later, my mind decides.) Because he stood me up.

Fine, it wasn't completely his fault. He was just too shy to decline Christine's parents' offer to spend New Year' Eve with them, so they could properly meet their daughter's boyfriend. It's just that... spending New Year's Eve together is _our_ thing. We always spend it at Jeremy's place with his father, while my parents are at some fancy Gala from Momma's work.   
But now Jeremy won't be home.   
I also didn't want to tell my parents, since they would've probably canceled their party, and I know how much they love it, so I won't be that selfish kid everyone hates in the movies. Even though part of me regrets my decision. Probably that part that's now rolling in self-pity because _I am literally alone on New Year's Eve._

Deciding it can't be more futile than doing nothing, I try to think of positive things, as to not end up as I did on Christmas. I think of last week when I've been meeting up and giving Jeremy his totally awesome present. And how I had to quickly get something for Christine as well since I didn't do that before. I even met up once with Rich, to play some video games (he's not even half bad).

In the end, I decided that: You know what's even better than positive thinking? Beer.  
(And weed, but mine is empty. See what I have to put up with here?)

So naturally, I get a bit drunk. The evening becomes more bearable. _Heck_ , life becomes more bearable. The sweet, sweet salvation that is alcohol makes everything hum. Float. Ring. No, wait. The last one's not correct. It's more like some sort of annoying ringing, in the back of my mind. Lifting myself from my beanbag, I try to focus on the weird ringing. It sounds suspiciously like a doorbell. Like _my_ doorbell.   
With this realization in mind, I race up the stairs to my entry, and open the door.

"Oh."

"Oh to you too, Nerd", but he grins, so he's not actually mad. Thank god. And I realize, _hey!_ , I'm grinning too!

"You don't want to let your good pal inside? It's freezing outside, but hey, I survived a SQUIP and a burning building, what's a lil' cold, right?"

I snort, but take a step to the side, gesticulating with a flourish into my house, exclaiming: "Oh, of course, Richard, come on into my modest and humble housing." With a small shove to my shoulder, he enters and takes off his shoes and coat, revealing a dark blue shirt and black jeans. It's not exactly extraordinary clothing, I suppose, but it's definitely fancier than the stuff I normally see Rich in. Then a sudden question comes into my mind, which I now realize, I should've asked sooner: "Why are you here?"

Rich crosses his arms, which I assume is supposed to look threatening, but since we're kinda friends now (and admittedly it has a bit to do with his height), I don't feel threatened at all. Wow, my past bully and tormentor of multiple years is standing in my house, and the only thing I feel is amusement. Rich doesn't seem to care much about the grin though but instead fake-scolds me for not being nicer, and I should be happy that someone is keeping me company, and where are my manners.

By the time he finishes musing about how one could have two mothers and still such a horrible upbringing, we are planted firmly on the bean bags in my basement. I've warmed up some left-overs, which we are digging in. I also got some more beers, and by the look of it, Rich appreciates it. In-between bites I manage to inquire: "No but for real. Is something wrong?" The concern is practically radiating off of me. Rich seems to sober up a bit (not that he is drunk already), and puts his fork to the side.

"No, I'm fine. Mum and Dad are off to visit some family, but I didn't really feel like tagging along. I...", he peeks up at me, almost sheepish, "I've been texting with Jenna earlier, who was talking with Brooke, who was having a call with Christine yesterday, so I found out that the lovebirds are spending today together, and from Jeremy, I found out that he feels super guilty for not being there for you", here I snort, because that's so Jeremy, "so I thought: Hey, maybe I'm not Jeremy, but some good ol' Richy doesn't sound rebuking either, right? So, eh, now I'm here."

I shake my head. Then quickly change it into a nod. I am fairly confused. Rich only laughs at my antics: "Dude, how sloshed are you already?" Not that much, thanks.

So we're hanging out. Rich Gorlanski and Michael Mell. On New Year's Eve. Huh.

At some point I get a spam of messages from Christine, saying she just found out that she "ruined our friendship tradition", and that I am obviously invited to hang out with them as well. She'd be "honored."  
I can't say it didn't sound tempting for even a second. But then I thought about sitting at Christine's place with her, her parents and Jeremy and having to do small talk and no thank you.   
And honestly, I'm having a nice time with Rich as well.   
(We're also both getting progressively drunker.)

"Ey, heyheyhey, Rich!", I shout.

Rich blinks. He's very close to my face. Why did I shout again?

"Huh?", comes the unintelligible reply.

"It's almost time", I whisper.

"What?", he beckons me closer. Our noses almost touch. I turn around to point at the clock. It takes him a few seconds, but then his eyes are widening. "Holy shit, dude. We gotta go outside." I nod my approval and we both manage to climb the stairs (I am 99% sure that they got bigger and suddenly crooked since the last time I used them. Magic.) and stumble into the cool air. Some of my neighbors are already outside, fireworks at the ready.

I am immediately scandalized. "Dude, we don't have any fireworks!" Rich only waves me off, conspicuously grinning. "I only do them when I'm at New Year parties. When I'm home, Mum and Dad never feel up to it, so I'm always doing this," and with those words, he lies down on the grass of my yard. He looks rather gracefully while doing so. Huh. Maybe he's not as drunk as I thought he is. Or maybe I think that because I am the one who is super drunk. Anyway. I keep staring at Rich as if he has two heads. Which would be really cool. And horns.

Rich pats the grass next to him. "This is, like, the best view, dude. And you don't get dizzy. It's the _fucking best_."

What else is a man supposed to do than to comply? So I lie down too (holy shit, it's _December_ , how did I forget how cold the ground is?!), shoulder to shoulder with Rich. Suddenly there's cheering. The neighbors already outside start shooting the fireworks. The others slowly come piling out, starting the same action. I feel someone nudge me from the side. Oh right, Rich.

"Happy New Year, Michael."

"Happy New Year to you too, Rich."

He seems to pause and gather his courage before he finally spits out: "I'm really sorry that Jeremy isn't here." I'm ready to protest, but he beats me to it: "I'm not saying you don't want me here or whatever. I just know that you guys are, like, really close 'n stuff, and I imagine it must suck, especially on such an occasion."

My chest tightens. Now that he's said it, I can clearly see Jerry and Christine before my inner eye, waiting for the countdown and sharing a kiss when the clock strikes twelve. Starting your year with sharing a kiss must feel amazing. I wouldn't know, I suppose.  
(The only kiss I ever had was Lina in primary school. It was in a game of Truth or Dare.)   
And maybe the alcohol is really getting to me now, or maybe it's my teenage hormones acting up, but suddenly I find myself kissing Rich.

* * *

It takes Rich a few seconds to realize what (the actual fuck) is happening, but he then reciprocates, and suddenly we're making out in the grass on my front lawn.  
Somehow we manage to untangle ourselves enough to get up and get into the house again, right into the basement, where we lie on one of the beanbags, lips on lips. I can't help but relish in the roughness of his lips, the taste of beer and barbeque crisps still faintly lingering in his mouth. I move my hand up to his hair, one to his stomach, sliding it under his shirt.   
Holy shit, this feels amazing.

* * *

Sun rays are streaming through the basement window. I want to groan at the sun's _absolute rudeness_ of shining and waking me when I have this killer headache, but even that seems like too much. My musings get interrupted when I hear a loud thump next to me, making me surge up and look frantically around. "Mhmpf", murmurs the carpet. Wait, what?   
I look down to see a lump form slowly sitting up.   
Rich is sitting in front of me. On my floor. Without a shirt.   
The memories of last night come flooding back to me.

"Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They did not have sex, btw.  
> What exactly happened is practically up to your imagination. Did they only keep making out? Did they fool around? You can choose yourself how far they went, I don't think I will ever elaborate on this since I'm not trying to make this unnecessarily explicit. Yup.  
> Also, comments are always welcome.


End file.
